4 years

about 4 years ago i moved to Birmingham, AL.

on the outside i was excited. i couldnt wait to have a new adventure. but inside it was the lowest i have ever been. I had secrets, i was lying. i was living in darkness and looking at everyone around me that was living in light. which took me more into the darkness that i had created for myself.

the family i lived with was awesome. he was the prayer guy and his wife was so sweet. but inside i was dying.

There is this spot that i drove past every night on my way home. it is a sharp curve to the left and to the right, in the ditch there is a thick cement pole. each night as i would drive past this spot i would tell myself that the next time is when i would do it, i would wreck my car. i had unplugged my airbags and just needed the courage to not break or turn.

in hindsight, i am so glad that i didnt ever get the courage that i was praying for.

now each night as i drive home i drive past the same spot i smile.

last night on my drive home to my husband i saw this pole, and had no desire. i teared up with joy and sadness. joy because i was no longer there, and sadness because i know that there are so many people who are, and i know the deep, dark feelings that they feel.

i remember the feeling of “this will never get better. or no one would even notice or care if i did it.”

i am blessed that through the grace of God i spoke up about my secret….about my pain.

and 4 years on the other side i love my life. my excitement externally matches internally.